Some weeks ago, on my LiveJournal account, I admitted to be a huge worrier (which I am), and that sometimes I worry that law school was a huge mistake. Not so much in terms of “do I want to be a lawyer” because I do. I’ve wanted to be a lawyer for a long time- it was only in early 2009 (you know, when i took the LSAT) that my desire to be a lawyer was higher than my desire to NOT go to law school.

What I worry about the cost- not just the money, because it’s just money, but the stress and the hair falling out, and most importantly, the friends from not outside school I’d sort of let fall by the wayside. I keep in touch with them by internet – LJ mostly, I only grudgingly use Facebook anymore except for Zuma Blitz and Twitter is something else entirely – and will spend time with them when I can.

Anyway, my LJ friends (who are mostly SCA friends) assured me that they would still be there when I was done.

(I’m gonna stop here a minute and stupidly apologize for getting messy. I’ve been doing a lot of self-editing lately pretty much everywhere for various reasons and that’s not gonna hold for much longer. One of the reasons is that while writing for an audience might help process my grief and emotions, I didn’t want to add to the pain of other people. Which, while that seems noble, it’s also kind of dumb.)

So.

Those of you who follow my Twitter saw that a friend of mine had passed away late last week. The official announcement went out while I was in CrimPro, and while I knew it was coming, it was still kind of a punch in the head. (My notes from that day are horrible. HORRIBLE.)

She’d been sick for a while, and I made time to go visit, but not as much as I should have. I visited once in the hospital on the last day of classes fall semester, and once when I and a network of people across Twitter had to move a small mountain. I’m really glad I followed my gut that day, instead of sticking with the original plan to go see her the next weekend, because it would have been too late.

It’s so easy to say, “I have all this reading. I just can’t right now.” “I’ll see you when I have a break.” “Look, July 2012- I’ll be done with the barzam then, it’s a date.”

This weekend, I either curled myself up at home, doing not a lot but watching the last season of The Tudors (I know, I know) or grouping together with friends in our shared grief. Three times I gathered as we ate, drank, cried, drank, laughed, and oh yes, drank. It was what I needed- both the hibernation and the social.

So really, the thing here is that law school will take as much time as you give it. You can always find more to do- more to read, more MCQs to practice, more outlines to outline. But just because you can do more doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Even though the guilt you have when you’re not studying is intense sometimes. Life on the outside is important, too.

Sometimes they aren’t there when you’re done. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just life.

But it sucks.

Advertisements