As I mentioned earlier, I did manage to sprain my knee in class two weeks ago.  It was stupid- an ax kick gone horribly wrong.  I know (or, at least, I’m pretty sure) what went wrong- I locked my supporting leg instead of flexing it.  And it is weak; more or less the same thing happened in November (only it was a hopping roundhouse that time).

Anyway, the upshot it that my ACL is weak and already has a small tear and it’s living on borrowed time.  It will go at some point.

Unless I quit.

Which I’m not going to do.  Because I do love it, and it keeps me sane in a life that has a lot of insanity in it.  

Knowing that, of course, means that I know  that even some stupid easy kick (like, say, an ax kick) could be the thing that is my undoing.  And there is a limit to how much I can do to try and put it off as long as possible.  I’m working on strengthening my hamstrings, and stretching them out, my quads are pretty good as it is, and I’m getting a new knee brace that will hopefully provide some better suport (this latest injury happened with the current knee brace ON, which was doubly frusterating). 

But still, there’s the waiting, and trying not to let the fear of injury get the better of me.  I already have a very uneasy relationship with sparring (as in, I don’t like it, and I suck at it, which is aprt of the reason I don’t like it, but the get better I should do it more, but I don’t like it, soooo….).  And worrying, constantly, about is this kick (or this blow I’m taking) going to be the one that kills me?   That’s tiring.  And not fun. 

I guess what I’m trying to do here is to be able to say “YES I AM SCARED OF GETTING HURT AGAIN.”  So I can at least begin to figure out how to deal with it.  It’s the dealing by doing more than trying to cowgirl through it that I’m getting stuck on.  I mean, I’m still worried about hopping roundhouse from last winter’s injury,  but I have worked hard on making sure I get the foot placement right and everything aligned just so to make sure I don’t fall out again.  On that kick.  But it’s like it doesn’t matter, because a stupid-easy ax kick (with no jumping, or fancy anything) can do it.  Much less a jumping front kick, or 360 roundhouse (oh there’s a post there- muscle memory and how it FUCKS YOU UP sometimes).  

As for right now, I have to head off to class, because it’s forms tonight, and while I’m not allowed to do any kicks for another week, I can do 90% of my new form (which, by the way, I LOVE) and I don’t want to get too behind again.